so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
