My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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