I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She just used a chaser for red wine.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
