He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The air taste purple.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
