just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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