This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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