My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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