Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
