So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
