hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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