Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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