Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
