Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize