Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
