sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
