Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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