Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Randomize