We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
