I'd wear matching sweaters with you
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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