he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
