I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
ugly people sure do ruin things
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
