so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
