she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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