I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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