You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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