ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
