Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
