The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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