he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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