I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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