Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
