Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Congratulations! We have a period
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