You work out of a Hotel?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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