I am spending my child support on dildos
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
