at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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