Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize