She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
