i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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