I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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