and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
