i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize