Don't make out with my wife yet
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
