He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
