i wish my penis had a tongue
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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