Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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