yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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