mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
