There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
