I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Randomize
