People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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