I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
