I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Houston, we have a squirter
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
