i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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