I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
