dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
