dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
