I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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