I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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