i used baking grease as lip gloss
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
BRING THE BAGELS
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize